Disappointment.

Today has been an emotional day. Actually these last two days have been quite emotional. So, three days ago I returned to the United States from Shanghai, China and I was so excited to see my sister and give her the gifts I got her. She told me right away she didn't want them. And she was being rude to me and giving me an attitude. I was away for 10 days and when I came home I was treated like crap.

She told our father that she was sick of me acting like her parent and treating her like a child. She doesn't understand that I HAD to be her parent because no one else was here. I got her enrolled in school, I found a house for us to live in, I made doctors appointments for her, I made appointments with the school, I cater to her beck and call. And yes I treat her like a child because she doesn't have the best track record and I have learned that if you give her an inch she will take a yard. So why should I trust her? I can't.

So, she wants me to step back, then fine. My dad can handle everything from this point on and let's see where this takes her. I can bet he won't be able to handle it... I am beyond disappointed in my sister. And I am sick of being treated like shit when I have done nothing but cater to her. She wants me to move out, well then fine, I'm starting to save my money from work so that I can be out of here by summer. And I'm okay with that because I honestly don't even wanna be home. Id rather be gone than be home... I guess we shall see what happens. But if she wants me to back off and leave her alone Thats exactly what I am going to do. We will see how far she gets without me.

Why?

I feel like my world always comes crashing down around me and there is never anything I can do about it. And it always seems to happen right when I feel as if things are getting better. Moving into the new house has been amazing for me but it has also brought about struggle. I feel as if I can do more than what I am doing and that if I push myself things will go more in the direction in which I want them to, even though that is not always the case it is definitely how I need to have my thoughts going....positive.

I can be quite the negative Nancy sometimes and that isn't a good thing it is something that I am continuing to work on each and every day. With all the struggles I'm facing it is sometimes difficult. I have a lot on my plate which highly contributes to this issue.

Sometimes I think way too much and that puts me in an even worse spot than I was in before. Why can't things just be simple sometimes? Does life always have to be difficult?

Those two questions are ones I asked myself everyday. I honestly wish that sometimes I could just shut the rest of the world off and have it just be me, but then that makes me realize I'd be left with my thoughts which I tend to over think. But sometimes freezing the world and writing is the only way out I have. The only way to shut the world out and focus on the thoughts within my head. And that is something I have failed to do recently and I think that is also a contributing factor to my rise in stress and anxiety levels.

I think what I need to do is take an hour or two every day or every few days to just sit here and vent through my writing....my outlet... And maybe... Just maybe it'll help. Writing is one of the only ways in which I can truly express myself. And I know I need to take the time to figure everything out and get myself back on to the path in which I need to be on.

My Battle with IBS

Some may ask what exactly is IBS? Well that's a good question, and honestly most people are unaware this conditions even exists...

"The main symptoms of IBS are abdominal pain accompanied by a change in bowel habits. This can include constipation, diarrhea, or both. Gas and a visibly bloated belly are also common. The condition does not damage the digestive system, but persistent pain and frequent trips to the bathroom can interfere with everyday life."

And what spetrum do I fall under you might ask...well that would be the constipation spectrum. And yes it is quite painful and interrupts my daily life because I am constantly sick, bloated, and feeling like complete and utter shit! And every so often I will have an IBS attack which will result in non stop running to the bathroom, because not only can I not stop going but I also cannot stop throwing up.

Believe me IBS is the worst thing a women or man should ever have to constantly deal with. I wish there was something I could do... And through my research there is something I am going to try. I will be trying something called probiotics. They come in a supplement form. "Probiotics are friendly bacteria that help reduce the growth of harmful organisms in the digestive tract." I am truly hoping that this will help because at this point anything will be better than the constant struggle of sickness....

The Struggle

There is a fine line between being an older sister and a guardian... How do you deal with being both? Why does my sister need to be so defiant? How can I be both the sister and the mother?

I truly don't know how to answer those questions....it's been two months already and it's been a roller coaster. I don't know how to handle any of this. I want to be her friend but I also want her safe. I am her authority figure and with that she struggles. I sometimes feel like she hates my guts, and there is nothing I can do to change that. She only talks to me when she wants something, and other than that she wants nothing to do with me...

I don't know how to handle anything anymore.. I feel like I've lost control over my entire life. I feel like nothing I do is right, and that I can never be happy. Every day I put a fake smile on my face and pretend that I am fine. That way no one asks questions.. On the inside I have explosions, everything inside me is breaking and falling apart. I can only out on a front for so long...only until all the explosions errupt into real life. Then what happens? Who will I wind up hurting with my words that are built up inside me?

I am the type of person who tries her hardest to make everyone happy...everyone but myself. And maybe that's why I am so miserable. I used to be a happy person. Now I am just an empty space. I am just there. I don't feel anything. I don't wanna do anything. I just wanna be alone. The only time I can truly make myself happy is when I'm with animals or babies. I feel like I am someone when I am with them. And with them there is no judgement, there is no sadness.

I sometimes feel like I am not even here, and I am just coasting through the day. I go from class to class, I sit and listen and take notes. But that's it. I don't feel like I'm as smart as everyone else. I don't speak because I don't wanna be wrong. I don't know how to express myself through verbal communication. But through writing I can say EVERYTHING.

I feel like my life is going downhill, like a ball that keeps going because of the incline, but I don't see an end. It just keeps rolling downward. I am beyond stressed, no matter how much I try with my sister, she doesn't care. She doesn't care about me. She hates me. I cant do anything right in her eyes. And with that I am starting to consume that identity. Maybe that's why I feel like nothing. Maybe that's why I feel belittled.. I just want her happy and nothing I do is doing so... I don't know what to do anymore.. I just don't know.

Peace & Quiet.

As I have the time and peace and quiet, to sit down and write I am taking every opportunity I have to write about all that I have forgotten to write about since my last post. About a week ago I came back to Upstate New York to spend my summer with my family. 

I came back and was hit in the face with bad news... My grandfather (mothers dad) was diagnosed with lung cancer in which has spread throughout his body into his bones, ect. I swear every time I come back to New York I am hit with either another death in my family or even someone who's about to die. My grandpa has been given three to six months, but it will more than likely be closer to three months. He will not do chemo because he has seen so many of his friends, as well as his girlfriend go through chemo and he does not want to do that to himself. So he has decided to ride his cancer out until it is his time..

I swear I am never given a break, something always seems to happen.. It's like I am given the hardest things is life to deal with to see if I can truly make it through them. I guess God just knows how strong of an individual I am and that's why i've been dealt the cards in which I have been dealt. Sometimes I feel as though I cannot handle more, yet more just keeps coming my way.

I have been trying to keep busy since I have gotten here just these past two days I have had NOTHING to do and have been bored out of my mind which makes my mind race. It makes me think more than I truly need to. 

I figured out I need to find something that when I have nothing to do that this activity is always something I can do. When I do too much thinking I tend to over think everything, or go through the what-ifs and that's not good for me because it adds unneeded stress. 

Luckily my best friend and boyfriend are always there for me when I need to talk or vent and I can't even begin to explain how helpful that has been. Now if only I had Noelle and poppy to talk to. I know they are here with me in spirit but I really wish they were here for the advice I could always expect from them whenever I needed it. It has been a little over two years since Noelle passed and almost a year since poppy passed. I still cannot believe that they are really gone. 

The lesson I have learned over these past few weeks is that God only gives me the challenges he knows that I can handle. And even though when things happen I feel as though I am going to break, I'm not going to. I am going to make it through this and be the rock my family needs me to be. I am going to be there for everyone and help everyone through this.

The Home Stretch.

The end of the semester is quickly approaching as well as the end to my Sophomore year. I can't believe I almost have two years of college under my belt. It's crazy! I have been so boggled down with papers and exams and I feel like there is never an end...

Not only have I been boggled down with class work, but I have also been struggling with being able to "deal" or "put up" with people. I have had a very short fuse lately. It's not a good thing what so ever because I have been flipping for no reason and the littler things have been getting to me more and more.

This is all because of the amount of work that has been piled on me at the end of this semester. I have two 20 page papers, a five page paper, a retrial, and exams. On top of finding the time to juggle getting the work done it is stressing me out!!! If it wasn't for my amazing boyfriend, Brad, I would not be getting done half the things that I have completed thus far. He has pushed me to get things done and he keeps telling me "school comes first and I want you to pass your classes and get your work done and then you can come and see me." That is the one motive I have pushing me to cross that finish line. 

Lets move to the topic of friends....

Well, I don't have many friends... That is a known fact.. It doesn't tear me down because I have my family and boyfriend and that's all I really need. Well a specific event that happened recently (a few days ago), I was used as a last resort... My "friend" from college texted me and asked if she could move into MY apartment for the summer since I won't be here because I will be home. She asked me if she could do this because her friends who told her she could stay with them in a house one of their parents was buying fell through... I don't wanna be the last resort. And I am the type of person who likes to have things the EXACT way I left them when I come back. I notice when my things are moved. Yes, I know i'm weird but it's just how I am. I have my bed, my belongings, my kitchen stuff, all of that. I just don't feel comfortable with her staying there while i'm not there... I just don't know how to break it to her because I don't have it in me to be mean or hurt someones feelings. I know she has other options (her boyfriend being one of them) yet she asked me. I don't know i'm just not liking the idea. 

I am just BEYOND stressed and I go back to New York in a few weeks and honestly I am dreading it... as much as I want to go home, I also don't want to leave my boyfriend and I love living in Florida. I know my family needs me right now though and I will make the most of it but it will be difficult. 

I am in the home stretch of the semester and it is kicking my ass..

Lesson Learned: Keep up with your work at the beginning of the semester and DO NOT put things off!!!! Procrastination is the WORST!!! Don't do it!! 

Panic! At The Dicso Concert

So last night my best friend Sam and I went to the House of Blues in Orlando for the Panic! At The Disco concert! We waited in line starting at noon and also got, Pass The Line passes! What an incredible experience it was! I am so glad I had the opportunity to go. I loved being able to go out and have a good time for once, it was much needed. It was funny seeing all the middle and high schoolers there though that only knew their newer music. I have been listening to them since middle school and that was a good 10 years ago or so. 

Honestly I have heard that they suck live...THAT IS A COMPLETE LIE! They are incredible live, honesty they sound better live. I can't believe how engaged Brendon Urie kept the crowd. He is truly an amazing performer. If they ever come around again I am so going to their concert again!

Below are some of the photos I took at the concert! 

Above is a picture from when he was singing "This Is Gospel"

HE TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF! Just sayin :)

They put on a damn good show!

Lesson Learned... If you ever get the chance to go to a Panic! At The Disco concert....GO!! Don't turn it up and pre-order your tickets, the show I went to was completely sold out! It was an amazing night that's for sure!